Today I am on call for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. People say when they find out I do this work: "Oh that must be so hard!"
Its
not that hard, actually. Well it can be, but see, its really a gift for me.
Every session I do for these families is a
kind of thank you. I have two healthy, beautiful, kind and whip-smart
children. Signing up for this volunteer service was the result of one of the first direct angelic
communications I ever received.
I have had my ears open for more messages ever since.
Its
hard to describe all of what goes on in a room where birth and death
collide, but I am forever supported by the angels with copious amounts
of grace as I deal with whatever type of situation I am handed. Sometimes I know what the story is with the death or impending death of the child or children, and sometimes I know very little. Parents can be angry, quiet, wailing or actually smiling at times, when other family members or clergy come to offer support.
I was hospitalized for 7 weeks with my first pregnancy with pre-term labor, my daughter was born 3 weeks early and beautifully normal. I had a 33% chance of the same
problem with my second pregnancy and sure enough I started labor at just 9 weeks pregnant that time. The doctors were not very encouraging about a live birth, especially at first. After contracting constantly for a few weeks and not losing the baby they finally started me on medication. I was in and out of the hospital and had to lay quietly on my left side for 5 and a half months.
That's a hundred and seventy five DAYS.
Sitting up was discouraged, and I was told to relax as much as possible but the meds made my heart race along at 120bpm. I was lucky to be allowed to shower and the bedpan became my arch enemy.
Unless you have been there its difficult to describe how hard it is to lay that still for so very very long. My body atrophied, my energy vanished. I couldn't read because of the meds and I began to loathe the television. Minutes crawled on like they were entire days. And I had a toddler whom others had to care for.
It was a huge lesson in patience and love and I think I am still a little claustrophobic from the physical experience.
At one point in the second pregnancy at about 26 weeks, I OD'd on Magnesium Sulfate. In my mind, we both nearly died. As I was floating in that dark tunnel I
could only think about my first born daughter and husband and yet to be born son. I was so so sad! And I recall vividly I was not scared at all. Just profoundly sad. My son was born one full month early. He was completely healthy and ready to go home the next day.
Every NILMDTS session I shoot provides the family with a remembrance of their child in beautiful images.
It also provides me another chance to thank God I still get to have warm hugs from mine.
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