When my husband first went in to the military years ago, his father shared with him these three rules:
1. Never pass up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
2. If you have something important to say, say it.
3. Do not confuse rule one with rule two.
Wise words and excellent advice.
I started thinking about these rules as I was at my infant bereavement photography session on Sunday morning. The mother wanted to put on a blouse for her photographs rather than have images captured with her wearing her hospital gown. The main photographer and the clergy person and the father, and I stepped out into the hallway for a few minutes.
The clergy person happened to recognize the photographer from a previous informational seminar about our organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. From the gist of the conversation, I gathered part of that seminar was a few photography tips given to non-professionals to help them take keepsake photos in difficult situations if a professional was not available.
The clergy person said those tips came in handy for him and proceeded to begin to recall a truly terrible story about a pregnant mother who was in a car accident. I will of course spare you these details. (Refer here to rule "one")
Remember, the father of the baby who had just died that morning, was standing right there. My stomach began knotting up.
I started thinking about the three rules. I started wondering what kind of professional trauma or grief training this person received.
After about two sentences about the other woman's child, I interrupted the clergy person's story, loudly and forcefully by stating: "I do a lot of horse photography." I started talking about the rodeo and cowboys and where I get to stand at the stadium.
The father managed a weak smile and mentioned he used to care for horses in his younger days.
Blurting out the fact that I photograph horses probably doesn't quite qualify for the pure observance of rule 2, but the violation of rule 1 by the clergy person required immediate action and in a hurry.
Its all about empathy I think.
No one, not the doctor, the nurses, the family, the clergy person, the photographer....no one should do or say a thing around these people without first imagining that they were standing in the shoes of these poor people who a few days ago were excited parents-to-be, and who now were in shock, holding a very still and non-breathing bundle in their arms.
In this situation, and in life, we would all do well to remember these rules.
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