One of my very first replies to a blog post was written early last Spring to The Dragonslayer's Guide to Life. Laura Young recently reminded me of this comment. It occurred to me that my readers might be interested in how InRepose was born.
When I was 28 my 26 year brother and only sibling was killed. His name was Randy. I was very close to him and loved him very much.
My brother Randy, circa 1988
As I was in the midst of crushing grief, cleaning out Randy's apartment after his death, I was struck by the fact that we had had conversations about our parents and their health and THEIR end of life, but not once did we ever allow for the possibility for our own demise so early. I guess you don't start thinking about that idea until one of your own parents pass away, or until you get older.
We had just taken a skiing trip together. We made a pact. We would share the burden of taking care of our parents should that day ever come that they were too elderly or infirm to take care of themselves. Just a few weeks later a careless irresponsible teenage driver ended my brother's life while racing his car down the road.
My parents were beside themselves with grief. By default, I got to decide almost everything, almost every detail of the service, the events and what was to happen to his belongings. I decided on cremation. As an artist, I decided to make a box for the ashes, I made it out of saplings of trees we used to play under as children. I decided where to bury the ashes. I decided what kind of grave marker, what it should say, and what happened to his cat, his clothes, his car, and every last tiny piece of his mortal life. I wrote the Eulogy.
I always have wondered if I did what he would have wanted. I have wondered now for 18 years.
Then recently, my 80 year old mother, in failing health, has been calling me. Sometimes in the middle of the night. She would tell me things like..."please don't read my diary, burn it. Please sell my car and give the money to my sister. Please feed the stray cat that eats in the garage. Remember the accounting book to the animal rescue needs to be transfered, I wrote a story or two about the war... It is in my leather journal. My spare keys, some bank account information, I keep that in the gold hat box in the closet"
My mother HAS a will. For the big and "official" stuff. But in that hatbox was the small desires, and information about what key fit where, and letters to me and my children. Also, I could never get her to tell me out loud.... What kind of flowers would she want at her service? Where does she want her ashes to be scattered? Would she rather have them buried? She never wanted to talk about some details, but would tell me to just look in the hatbox for answers.
Well, with my mom's forgetfulness and the wiring in their old 1950's house, I have always thought that the whole place might some day just go up in flames...and then, what becomes of the hatbox? I was worried all the things she deemed so important might not be safe and I might never know about them.
In Repose was born.
My Last Wishes...a safe, online place to store the little final wishes and desires.
The memorials came about after researching other online memorials. Most, in my humble opinion, are very harsh, garish, very tacky or expensive. I wanted something elegant and beautiful. I hope to add family tree information and other important archival links.
The third part of the site, the Resource Forum was born when questions would come up about friends and others who had issues after death or had different religions. What was appropriate to wear to a Jewish funeral? What was appropriate to bring to a Mormon family service as a gift? Can Dad be buried at Arlington? What about wills and hospice? What does anyone know about estate taxes?
Sure the internet can provide answers to all of that, but all in one place? I did not find a place such as that.
We thought an all inclusive information resource on these issues was not readily available to all...maybe we could help start one.
Believe me I understand that people avoid this topic, but I hope, with In Repose, to make it just the tiniest bit easier not to!
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