In Repose Blog

The Middle Aged Woman

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked, ' Is my time up?'  God said,  'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a bus.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the bus?'

God replied,

'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!'

Overheard on local Radio...

"My Grandaddy alway said
'From the time you are born, till you ride in that hearse...
there's nothing out there that couldn't get worse.' "

New Words for the New Year

From Bloom's Bouquet of Imaginary Words...

Deadication
In honor of someone who has passed on

Ghostel
Lodging for dead young people

Discurnment
The ability to recognize one ash from another

Ghostage
A spirit held earthbound against its will

Coronerstone
Grave marker

Guillotwine
The rope used by an executioner to lift a blade into position for a beheading

Orbituary
Notice of the death of a star

Massassination
St. Valentine's Day, Chicago 1929

Cosa Noostra
A hanging rope used by the mob

The Cardinal's Funeral

 A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. Once student asked how they chose the new Pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"

Courtesy of my friend Mike Franklin, (and published for all the Catholics and Cardinals fans in my family.)

Estate Planning

(The following story presented with thanks to Jamie Sue Austin)

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 BILLION dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Death of the Doughboy

--Author unknown

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the enttertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

         
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

     

Aunt Jemema delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at  350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occassion and pass along the link to this post and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

The Funeral Bill

Pete told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when the bill for $4,000 arrived after the funeral, Pete paid it. The next month, he recieved a bill for $85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally.

A month later, after recieving another bill for $85, Pete called the funeral director.
"You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him a tux."

(Speaking of clothing the deceased, come back tomorrow when our Ask Our Funeral Professional column returns with Tim Totten answering the question, "How do you dress a corpse?")

Rather Die than Pay your Cell Phone Bill?

One fellow tried to make it seem that way for him. Trying to bypass a $175 early termination fee, a Verizon customer tried to fake his own death.

Frustrated and determined to get out of his contract, a Mr. Taylor fabricated a fake death certificate and convinced a friend to fax it in. Verizon caught on to the scheme and in the end Mr. Taylor paid his bill. His contention that a string of defective cellphones and a host of dropped calls drove him to this desperate measure. He said that he "hoped he sent a definite message about how much people hate being strapped to a cellphone that doesn't work."

Misdirected Email

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.   Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left  Minnesota and flew to  Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.  

Meanwhile, somewhere in  Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.  

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
Date: October 16, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.   Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

The Country Funeral

(Tim Totten's recent blog entry at FinalEmbrace reminded me of this joke.)

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with no family or friends) who had died while traveling through the area.

The cemetery was way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.

Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized for my tardiness, but the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord" and "Glory," (they must have all been Baptist).

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis and worked all the way through to Revelation. I preached for 45 minutes.

It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another.......

"Ya know, I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, but I ain't never seen anything like that before."