In Repose Blog

The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True to his word, he made the first contact, " Claudia....  Claudia..." "Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.."
 "That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course ..  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to golf course again.  Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ...  I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .

Today's Bullet List from Hell

• Hard drive failure.
• Accounting Information vaporizes
• Estimated taxes due
• Back up file to the hard drive corrupted.
• Bookkeeper's off site second back up file to first back up file also corrupted.
• Inadequate paper trail option damaged by summer plumbing disaster.
• Zero accounting skills to recreate information
• Cool fall day,with horses beckoning from the office window.

Cancel your Credit Cards Before you Die

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank:  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' 

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) 

Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member:  ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
 You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!

The Middle Aged Woman

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked, ' Is my time up?'  God said,  'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a bus.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the bus?'

God replied,

'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!'

Overheard on local Radio...

"My Grandaddy alway said
'From the time you are born, till you ride in that hearse...
there's nothing out there that couldn't get worse.' "

New Words for the New Year

From Bloom's Bouquet of Imaginary Words...

Deadication
In honor of someone who has passed on

Ghostel
Lodging for dead young people

Discurnment
The ability to recognize one ash from another

Ghostage
A spirit held earthbound against its will

Coronerstone
Grave marker

Guillotwine
The rope used by an executioner to lift a blade into position for a beheading

Orbituary
Notice of the death of a star

Massassination
St. Valentine's Day, Chicago 1929

Cosa Noostra
A hanging rope used by the mob

The Cardinal's Funeral

 A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. Once student asked how they chose the new Pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"

Courtesy of my friend Mike Franklin, (and published for all the Catholics and Cardinals fans in my family.)

Estate Planning

(The following story presented with thanks to Jamie Sue Austin)

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 BILLION dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Death of the Doughboy

--Author unknown

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the enttertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

         
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

     

Aunt Jemema delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at  350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occassion and pass along the link to this post and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

The Funeral Bill

Pete told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when the bill for $4,000 arrived after the funeral, Pete paid it. The next month, he recieved a bill for $85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally.

A month later, after recieving another bill for $85, Pete called the funeral director.
"You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him a tux."

(Speaking of clothing the deceased, come back tomorrow when our Ask Our Funeral Professional column returns with Tim Totten answering the question, "How do you dress a corpse?")