In Repose Blog

Thoughts on Embalming

Mostly my personal thoughts have been against embalming, and speaking about my own body, I probably still would not choose to preserve my flesh. But after attending a funeral last week, of the lovely baby pictured in the August 19 entry, I am rethinking the entire concept.

The little boy only lived a short while. He had many people in the room with him just after his birth and during his death. Friends and family and loved ones of his parents. Many people got to say hello and goodbye, with his first and his last breaths. Many many more people came to say hello and goodbye a few days later at the visitation and the funeral as well. Embalming allowed those who were NOT at the hospital a chance to do the same thing, face to face.

I have to say that in this case, the services were probably nicer for everyone, especially his parents, with the baby right there with them, than they might have been with a closed casket or an urn of ashes.

This family was a remarkable one. In the midst of the death of their child, they managed to celebrate his short life and the good things that came of it.

I was most honored to be there.

Funeral Protesters Revisited

Long time readers of In Repose Blog might remember my post of June 6. 
Coming from a military family, it is very hard for me to stomach the activities of these "god-fearing" people.

Today guest blogger Jamie Sue Austin links us to some current news, and gives us her thoughts on these utterly contemptible people.

I really really truly do believe in the freedom of speech. I really, really do...

But these people make my skin crawl.  While our collective paranoia fears Muslim extremists, islamofascist, and poorly armed terrorist cells in arid third world countries...we have people like this brewing little cauldrons of hate in our own country. Celebrating the death of  the good and righteous.  They are grief vultures swooping down on the wounded and plucking out their eyes.

I have always believed that the greatest threats are  not those we imagine exist outside our borders, but those we let fester and rot in our own backyards.

Anyways,  lovely verdict.  Nice that it will be overturned.  It's like getting your cake and eating it too. The courts get to show their disdain for this kind of inflammatory hate mongering and at the same time protect the first amendment by assigning a punishment so ridiculous that it can not be upheld.

-Jamie Sue Austin

Read the USA today story HERE.

Choosing a Funeral Singer

An Article for In Repose By Katrina S. McKay

The sound of the human voice can be soothing and healing, and many find vocal performance at a funeral a fitting tribute to a departed loved one.  Choosing a singer for a funeral service you are organizing, then, can be an important part of your funeral planning process.  However, deciding on a singer does not have to be a stressful decision, if you can manage to keep a clear head and make logical decisions. This may not be an easy task as you must cope simultaneously with your grief, but well worth it if you can manage to push through.

In some cities and towns, simply finding a singer who has experience performing at funerals can be a challenge.  Many wedding singers and vocal teachers also perform at funerals, but beware of hiring someone without experience specifically with funeral singing. This type of performance requires a particular sensitivity that is not required at happier occasions.  Also beware of inexperienced singers as they may get emotionally involved in the service itself and be unable to perform.  Crying and other physical manifestations of sadness and fear will greatly impact a singer’s ability to sing on pitch and with clarity.  When in doubt of the abilities of the singers available to you, you are better off with no singer at all than with someone who you fear may not be up to the task.

Many funeral professionals and funeral homes have a roster of singers available for you to choose from.  This will take a lot of the guesswork out of matters for you.  However, be sure that your funeral professional is familiar with the recommended singer’s work.  Ask how many times the singer has been employed by the funeral home, what his or her professional background is, how old he or she is, and ask for any supplemental information this singer has on file.  Many singers now have websites which include samples of his/her singing, photos, and quotes from past clients.  If you are ever in doubt of someone’s experience or suitability, ask for the names and phone numbers of references. 

If you are able to find a singer whose reputation and credentials you are satisfied with, the plus side of working with a professional singer is that they will be familiar with how funeral services normally work, and they will have a selection of music for you to choose from.  If though, your musical selection is not in their usual repertoire, you should expect to pay an additional fee, and note that many singers will not sing in languages other than English, French and Italian.  If you have a piece in mind in another language, be sure to consult your chosen singer to find out if he or she is familiar with that language, or is able to learn well from a recording and the printed words. 

The most difficult person to deal with in regards to music at the service is often the resident singer the family, who will often come forward and volunteer to sing.  In theory this can be a lovely tribute, however in reality having a family member sing can cause a great deal of stress for everyone involved.  Stage fright, diva-like behavior, lack of preparation and unfamiliarity with the type of performance required are all issues that no funeral organizer wants to deal with on the day of the service.  If you are not entirely convinced that the singer in the family will be able to conquer their emotions and give an excellent performance, you need to gently, but firmly, tell them “thank you, but no thank you”.  Explain to them that the service is a time of mourning for everyone, and that you would like them to participate as a family member, and not as part of the service itself.  Tell them that their responsibilities in comforting the other members will be just as important on the day as singing in the service.  If tempers flare, another alternative is to organize a separate memorial service to take place a month or a year hence and invite the family to share photos, stories, poems and songs, and invite your volunteer singer to pay his or her tribute at that time.

Choosing a funeral singer seems like it would be an easy decision, but providing the music at such an important service requires more than just a pretty voice.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions and find out as much as you can about all available singers; including any family members that volunteer their voices.  Focus on what you want, and be realistic about what can be accomplished in the time you have to plan the service.  Communicate your needs clearly to both your funeral director and your singer, and all other staff and family members involved with the planning process.  Try to stay calm through your grief and keep a clear head.  Remember that in any of the choices you are making, they are significant only in that you are trying to provide comfort to those that loved the person that has passed away, as well as to honor this departed person’s memory.  Keep this goal in mind, and look for simple ways of achieving this.

Star Trek Themed Funeral Now Available.

I am all for personalizing one's final event in life. Really I am. And I do know there are die-hard Trekkies out there. I loved Star Trek. The original campy version, and Captain Picard and Data in The Next Generation are some of my favorite TV shows ever.

But a Star Trek FUNERAL? Seriously? DO I have to wear a spacesuit or bring my communicator to attend one?

CBS and Viacom Studios have recently licensed the use of Star Trek to Eternal Image, Inc, to be used in urns, caskets, memorials and vaults.

Eternal Image has rights to other logos if Star Trek is not your thing. They have products representing the Vatican, Major League Baseball and even the American Kennel Club.

News Source here.

Funeral Guests, an Article by Sofronia Spyrou Schneider, Part 2

In Part I of this series, we discussed how guests at a funeral should refrain from displaying a critical attitude and adding to the pain of grieving relatives. In this article, we shall expound further on this topic of how to behave at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Do Not Tell the Widow(er) that They Will Get Over It

This is one of the most hurtful things a person can say to a grieving widow or widower. It is also a very insensitive thing to say. Losing a spouse in death is not the same as being passed up for promotion at work. Even a surviving spouse who was only married for a relatively short period of time will feel a tremendous sense of loss and sadness. Hearing that they will "get over" their spouse's death will cause more harm than good. So it is best to keep tight lipped. If you cannot think of anything positive to say, simply stay quiet until you have come up with a more encouraging thought.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Avoid critical comments about the relatives' choice of clothes

Some funeral guests believe that everyone should dress in a very sober way. A lot of people prefer black as the preferred colour at funerals. If you expected to see a cloud of black mourning clothes and you did not, do not express that view. Not all funerals are alike. Some people simply prefer not to wear black. The deceased may even have expressed a wish prior to their death that forbade the wearing of black. Even if such a wish was not expressed, refrain from judging the relatives if they choose to wear blue, green or any other colours at the funeral. Relatives who do not wear black are not showing disrespect to their dead. On the other hand, funeral guests who criticize them for their decision are showing great disrespect.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Do not be critical of others who were invited

At some funerals, people choose to place themselves into certain "camps". They may see other guests at the funeral and wonder why they were also invited. It is not for you to say who should and should not have been invited to a funeral. That decision was for the bereaved relatives to make. Try to get along with the other funeral guests just for that day. Doing so will be a mark of respect for the bereaved relatives.

If you take proper heed of the advice given in Part I and in Part II of this series, you will not cause offense to bereaved relatives.

(Additional Note from Candace at InRepose. Please do not tell ANY mourner, no matter if they are a widow, sibling, child or "just" a friend of the deceased to "get over it". It is perhaps one of the most insensitive comments that could possibly be made to anyone in the throes of grief)

Funeral Guests, an Article by Sofronia Spyrou Schneider

(A note from Candace at InRepose: One of the biggest reasons InRepose was created was my memories of the truly insensitive comments and behavior of people toward me after my brother's death. Today we start a new blog catagory "Etiquette")

A funeral is not the most appealing of events that any of us want to attend. But it is a way that we can pay our respects to the deceased and say goodbye. It is also an appropriate occasion to offer your condolences to bereaved family members who are grieving at the loss of their relative. However, not all guests who show up to a funeral show the proper respect for the dead or for their bereaved relatives. This article will list some ways that guests should behave at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Do Not Be Critical of the Funeral Arrangements

Guests who show up to a funeral but spend their time criticizing the coffin, flowers, the outfit the deceased was dressed in and any other aspects of the funeral arrangements do not deserve to be present at the funeral. This is disrespectful and can easily get back to the bereaved relatives and cause them additional pain at this difficult time. Even if you do not like the funeral arrangements that have been made, you should not voice those opinions. It is not any of your concern. As a guest, your job is to simply observe the funeral and offer comfort to the bereaved relatives.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Do Not Insist on Having the Front Seats

If the funeral will be held inside a place of worship, do not insist on sitting in the front seats. These seats are reserved for immediate relatives of the deceased and should be kept empty. Sit further back and allow the family to take up their position. A cousin, uncle, aunt, and even a sibling do not take precedence over a widowed spouse and their children at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Avoid Speculating Over the Cause of Death

It is very hurtful for guests at a funeral to speculate over the cause of death. They must refrain from doing so. It is hard enough to cope with the loss of a loved one without the added heartache of speculation over the cause of death. Even when a cause of death is known of and documented on the death certificate, some may wonder if anything more could have been done to prolong or even prevent the death. If you were not there at the time of death, there is no reason why you should even entertain such thoughts. Grieving relatives who have watched their loved one's life slowly ebbing away may have wondered "If only" this and "If only" that for countless days and nights. But it will not bring the deceased person back to life.

In Part II we shall look at some further examples of how to behave properly at a funeral and how to show respect for bereaved relatives.

New Orleans Jazz Funeral

The tradition of the New Orleans jazz funeral has fallen away somewhat in the wake of Hurricane
Katrina, but has not been forgotten. Although the wild music and dancing has, historically, flown in the
face of prevailing sentiments about the required solemnity of the traditional memorial service, the New
Orleans jazz funeral grew throughout the 20th century to achieve its own respected standing among the
many ways to commemorate the passage of a loved one.

The music and dancing of the jazz funeral were intended both help the deceased find their way to
heaven and to celebrate the final release from the bounds of earthly life, which had, in the past, included
the release from slavery. The call-and-response style of music and chant, coupled with tambourines,
drums, music and dancing were elements of African funeral ceremonies which crossed the seas with
captive slaves. In American culture, this type of funeral caught on among the African- American
population of the deep south, but, as the tradition was not welcomed by the Catholic church, was
restricted largely to the black Protestants of New Orleans and came to be the funeral of choice
particularly among impoverished people and musicians. Towards the middle of the 20th century, as the
movement caught on more, social clubs and insurance policies arose to help the underprivileged afford
these funerals, giving rise to the most celebrated of funerary jazz bands, the Dirty Dozen Brass Band.
Over time, the jazz funeral tradition grew to become New Orleans’ most honored of funeral ceremonies,
with horse-drawn hearses and parades for fallen police officers, well-known musicians and other pillars
of the community. In its final days, the traditional hymns, gospel, rock and r&b music of the jazz funeral
began to fuse with influences from the funk and hip-hop world as street gangs and rappers adopted this
style for honoring their dead. One of the last jazz funerals, that of rapper James "Soulja Slim" Tapp,
drew a crowd of thousands.

Historically, the New Orleans jazz funeral could last up to a week and sometimes even included a
parade. A typical funeral began with a slow march from the home of the deceased to the church or
funeral home. During the march, the coffin may have been carried by a horse-drawn hearse and was
accompanied by a brass band playing somber dirges and hymns. After the memorial service, the march
would proceed to the cemetery and the tone would remain somber until the coffin had been placed in
the ground or until the group was out of sight of the church. People on the streets where the march
passed were welcome to join in and go along with the mourners to the cemetery. This group was
referred to as the “second line.“ The brass band would play a couple more hymns, though these were
played with a swing beat, to alert mourners that the mood was about to change, then would launch into
wilder music with tambourines and drums. The music and dancing were both a cathartic release for
mourners and a celebration of a life well lived. In this state of jubilation, the group would then march
back to the location of their reception.

Perhaps the jazz funeral of the highest honor was held on August 29, 2006 in memory of the 1,700
victims of Hurricane Katrina in Mississippi and Louisiana. The memorial was held at the Ernest N.
Morial Convention Center, where thousands were stranded without food or water just one year earlier.
Led by Mayor Ray Nagain and Lt. Gen. Russel Honoré, the procession included a horse-drawn hearse
carrying an empty coffin, a brass band, fire trucks and the National Guard. There was a moment of
silence in the small community where the hurricane first made landfall, tolling bells at 9:38 a.m. to
commemorate the breach of the first levee and an interfaith prayer service. Many residents found the
ceremony to be a beautiful and tasteful way to remember their many losses. Today, New Orleans has
made great strides in restoring its native culture.

Carrying vestiges of African funeral rituals and originally intended to celebrate the new-found freedom
of a departed slave, the jazz funerals of New Orleans evolved throughout the 20th century to come to
be recognized as one of the most respected ways to exalt the life of a loved one. Musicians, police
officers and African-Americans in particular have been remembered by this style of funeral and finally,
those many victims of Hurricane Katrina were paid high tribute as well, New Orleans style. A symbol of
life, a symbol of death and a symbol of re-birth, the New Orleans jazz funeral salutes a life well lived and
the passage of a departed soul into a better world.

Want a Latte before the Funeral Service?

 

If the answer is "yes" and your loved one has a service at Woodlawn Memorial Park in Gotha Florida, now you don't have to make two stops. You can have a muffin and a cup of coffee before the funeral without leaving the premises. Their new Signature Cafe caters to those attending services as well as the general public.

A cafe in a funeral home? I had to stop and think about that concept for a little bit.

I believe this idea, done well, without being too casual or cute, has some real merit. It could provide a sense of caring and attention to those attending a service and might provide some much needed comfort.

I do, however, think the idea needs to be very carefully thought out. The details would be so important here. Where is the cafe located, exactly? What is the ambiance of the room? Are grieving people compelled to smell roasting beans or warm apple scones? Do they have to pass by the cafe if they could not imagine how anyone could eat at a time like this? Are to-go cups taken into viewings? And what if someone sloshes their cappuccino over dear old Uncle Henry while peering into the casket to say good-bye?

One thing I am certain I would not want to see in any funeral home, and that would be a Starbucks!

America circa 1900

In 1900, Americans spent nearly twice as much on funerals as on medicine.

My how things have changed.

Go Ahead, Trash My Funeral, This is America!

Hundreds of people came to the town of Bellevue Nebraska Tuesday morning to pay their respects to a firefighter and soldier.

Spc. Bill Bailey was serving in the National Guard in Iraq when he was killed by a roadside bomb.

This woman, Shirley Phelps-Roper, came to Bellevue too. She came because Spc. Bailey was gay. Her church group received a permit to protest the funeral from 300 yards. This church REGULARLY conducts anti-homosexual picketing at funeral services for U.S. soldiers. She and her friends came to protest at this man's funeral because of the sexual preference he held in his life.

No matter that the man was DEAD. No matter that he willingly gave up his last breath in this world for America.

No matter that Spc. Bailey gave his only LIFE, in part, to protect this country and to protect what we Americans hold so dear. Our very FIRST amendment, free speech... was guaranteed to Phelps-Roper because of men like Spc. Bailey who were and are willing to pay the ultimate price to protect this most precious right for all the free people who are citizens of this country.

The man was having his funeral! His friends and family and others came to pay tribute to him, his life and what he sacrificed, but Phelps-Roper had other things to think about. More important things than life and liberty and freedom in America...she had the sexual habits of a dead man to occupy her thoughts. She had a United States flag that needed stomping on by a child. She had GOALS.

One could say that Spc. Bailey died so that Phelps-Roper would have the right to come and trash his funeral.

Even in death, Spc. Bailey has more real and lasting humanity than Phelps-Roper can ever hope, or pray, to have herself.