In Repose Blog

Three Rules

When my husband first went in to the military years ago, his father shared with him these three rules:

1. Never pass up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
2. If you have something important to say, say it.
3. Do not confuse rule one with rule two.

Wise words and excellent advice.

I started thinking about these rules as I was at my infant bereavement photography session on Sunday morning. The mother wanted to put on a blouse for her photographs rather than have images captured with her wearing her hospital gown. The main photographer and the clergy person and the father, and I stepped out into the hallway for a few minutes.

The clergy person happened to recognize the photographer from a previous informational seminar about our organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. From the gist of the conversation, I gathered part of that seminar was a few photography tips given to non-professionals to help them take keepsake photos in difficult situations if a professional was not available.

The clergy person said those tips came in handy for him and proceeded to begin to recall a truly terrible story about a pregnant mother who was in a car accident. I will of course spare you these details. (Refer here to rule "one")

Remember, the father of the baby who had just died that morning, was standing right there. My stomach began knotting up.

I started thinking about the three rules. I started wondering what kind of professional trauma or grief training this person received.

After about two sentences about the other woman's child,  I interrupted the clergy person's story, loudly and forcefully by stating: "I do a lot of horse photography." I started talking about the rodeo and cowboys and where I get to stand at the stadium.

The father managed a weak smile and mentioned he used to care for horses in his younger days.

Blurting out the fact that I photograph horses probably doesn't quite qualify for the pure observance of rule 2, but the violation of rule 1 by the clergy person required immediate action and in a hurry.

Its all about empathy I think.

No one, not the doctor, the nurses, the family, the clergy person, the photographer....no one should do or say a thing around these people without first imagining that they were standing in the shoes of these poor people who a few days ago were excited parents-to-be, and who now were in shock, holding a very still and non-breathing bundle in their arms.

In this situation, and in life, we would all do well to remember these rules.

Funeral Guests, an Article by Sofronia Spyrou Schneider, Part 2

In Part I of this series, we discussed how guests at a funeral should refrain from displaying a critical attitude and adding to the pain of grieving relatives. In this article, we shall expound further on this topic of how to behave at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Do Not Tell the Widow(er) that They Will Get Over It

This is one of the most hurtful things a person can say to a grieving widow or widower. It is also a very insensitive thing to say. Losing a spouse in death is not the same as being passed up for promotion at work. Even a surviving spouse who was only married for a relatively short period of time will feel a tremendous sense of loss and sadness. Hearing that they will "get over" their spouse's death will cause more harm than good. So it is best to keep tight lipped. If you cannot think of anything positive to say, simply stay quiet until you have come up with a more encouraging thought.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Avoid critical comments about the relatives' choice of clothes

Some funeral guests believe that everyone should dress in a very sober way. A lot of people prefer black as the preferred colour at funerals. If you expected to see a cloud of black mourning clothes and you did not, do not express that view. Not all funerals are alike. Some people simply prefer not to wear black. The deceased may even have expressed a wish prior to their death that forbade the wearing of black. Even if such a wish was not expressed, refrain from judging the relatives if they choose to wear blue, green or any other colours at the funeral. Relatives who do not wear black are not showing disrespect to their dead. On the other hand, funeral guests who criticize them for their decision are showing great disrespect.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral, Part II: Do not be critical of others who were invited

At some funerals, people choose to place themselves into certain "camps". They may see other guests at the funeral and wonder why they were also invited. It is not for you to say who should and should not have been invited to a funeral. That decision was for the bereaved relatives to make. Try to get along with the other funeral guests just for that day. Doing so will be a mark of respect for the bereaved relatives.

If you take proper heed of the advice given in Part I and in Part II of this series, you will not cause offense to bereaved relatives.

(Additional Note from Candace at InRepose. Please do not tell ANY mourner, no matter if they are a widow, sibling, child or "just" a friend of the deceased to "get over it". It is perhaps one of the most insensitive comments that could possibly be made to anyone in the throes of grief)

Funeral Guests, an Article by Sofronia Spyrou Schneider

(A note from Candace at InRepose: One of the biggest reasons InRepose was created was my memories of the truly insensitive comments and behavior of people toward me after my brother's death. Today we start a new blog catagory "Etiquette")

A funeral is not the most appealing of events that any of us want to attend. But it is a way that we can pay our respects to the deceased and say goodbye. It is also an appropriate occasion to offer your condolences to bereaved family members who are grieving at the loss of their relative. However, not all guests who show up to a funeral show the proper respect for the dead or for their bereaved relatives. This article will list some ways that guests should behave at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Do Not Be Critical of the Funeral Arrangements

Guests who show up to a funeral but spend their time criticizing the coffin, flowers, the outfit the deceased was dressed in and any other aspects of the funeral arrangements do not deserve to be present at the funeral. This is disrespectful and can easily get back to the bereaved relatives and cause them additional pain at this difficult time. Even if you do not like the funeral arrangements that have been made, you should not voice those opinions. It is not any of your concern. As a guest, your job is to simply observe the funeral and offer comfort to the bereaved relatives.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Do Not Insist on Having the Front Seats

If the funeral will be held inside a place of worship, do not insist on sitting in the front seats. These seats are reserved for immediate relatives of the deceased and should be kept empty. Sit further back and allow the family to take up their position. A cousin, uncle, aunt, and even a sibling do not take precedence over a widowed spouse and their children at a funeral.

How to Show Proper Respect for Bereaved Relatives at a Funeral: Part I Avoid Speculating Over the Cause of Death

It is very hurtful for guests at a funeral to speculate over the cause of death. They must refrain from doing so. It is hard enough to cope with the loss of a loved one without the added heartache of speculation over the cause of death. Even when a cause of death is known of and documented on the death certificate, some may wonder if anything more could have been done to prolong or even prevent the death. If you were not there at the time of death, there is no reason why you should even entertain such thoughts. Grieving relatives who have watched their loved one's life slowly ebbing away may have wondered "If only" this and "If only" that for countless days and nights. But it will not bring the deceased person back to life.

In Part II we shall look at some further examples of how to behave properly at a funeral and how to show respect for bereaved relatives.