In Repose Blog

"I Don't Know What to Say."

Bet you've heard that one before.

One of the driving forces that keeps me writing for In Repose is the memory of other people's reactions after my brother's death. I used to think that one day I might write a book titled the way this post is titled. That was long before blogs existed.

I lost people who I thought were my friends during the time my family was grieving. My relationship with my real friends deepened. There really are things one should say, and things one should not say.

One of the very best pieces of writing I have ever read on the subject, and I have read a lot, was a recent blog article written by Carrie Stuckmann at Candid Carrie. Want to know what to say? What NOT to say? What to offer to do? What means the most to a person sick with grief? Carrie's article is the most heartfelt, concise and helpful information I have ever come across. If nothing else, bookmark this link and read it later. You WILL need to read it, because someday soon, someone you love will lose someone THEY love, and then you WILL indeed, know what to say.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I am most pleased to announce that my application to volunteer for the organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, was approved yesterday.

Those of you who know me well, know that I had two high risk pregnancies.  I spent many months hospitalized, bedridden and terrified. Twice. At one point when I was 26 weeks along with my son, I thought we both were going to die. In the end, I gave birth to two completely normal children, at 37 and 36 weeks gestation. These experiences changed my life. They have also left me beyond grateful. My children were born perfectly healthy and normal. They are both beautiful and kind and accomplished, intelligent young adults.

What more could a parent want?

I have decided I am in a unique position to offer my photographic services to others not as fortunate.

     This nationwide non-profit organization that  aims to help parents who lose babies in early infancy has expanded its services.  In order to help families heal, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep provides parents with heirloom photographs and DVDs of their infants free of charge. NILMDTS cofounders Cheryl Haggard and Sandy “Sam” Puc’ want families across the country to know that there are now 2000 photographers nationwide willing to volunteer their services, and that number is growing each week.

     Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) was founded after Cheryl and her husband Mike made the heartbreaking decision to take their six-day-old son, Maddux, off of life support on Feb. 10, 2005.  Knowing they wanted to remember their baby through photographs, Mike called Sandy’s company, Expressions Photography, after seeing her portraits of babies displayed at Presbyterian/St. Luke’s Hospital in Denver.  Sandy and her staff gently accommodated the Haggards’ request that photos be taken both before and after baby Maddux’s respirator was removed.  The remarkably distinctive photographs and extraordinary DVD set to music created by Sandy filled Cheryl with a sense of peace and pride.  Almost immediately, she knew she wanted to help provide other grieving parents with the same types of precious memories that are helping her heal.  The experience proved to be a profound one for Sandy as well.  She and Cheryl co-founded NILMDTS on April 8, 2005, exactly one month before Mother’s Day.

      “The purpose of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is to connect families experiencing an early infant loss with photographers throughout the nation,” said Cheryl.  “Calling a photographer to take pictures of a dying baby is the last thing most parents think of during such a traumatic and confusing time.  Since Maddux was our fourth child, we knew we wanted to remember him through photographs.”

     “Having those precious photos and DVD brought us a sense of closure,” she added.  “This organization comes from our hearts and our experiences, in the hope that other families will find a shorter path through heartache to healing.”

     Sandy said photographers from all over the nation, and several from other countries, are volunteering their services because they understand the power of the memories they create.

     “When there’s a hurricane or a fire, what is the one thing besides their children that people try to save?” she asked.  “Their photos.”

     “When a family loses a baby, their bodies and their minds are in shock.  They can barely remember the experience.  But with these photos, they can go back and really look at their babies--their faces, their hands, their toes.  They can see who the baby looks like.  It takes away some of the pain.”

     “Photographers who have taken pictures of these babies tell us it’s the hardest, most difficult thing they’ve ever done,” she added.  “Yet when they turn those images over to the families, they are never more proud.  Those images will last forever.”

      NILMDTS volunteer photographers will visit interested parents at any hospital in the photographer’s general vicinity (listed on the web site), providing a printable CD file of the images, plus a DVD set to music, free of charge.  Tax-deductible donations may be sent to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, 1153 Bergen Parkway, #M103, Evergreen, CO 80439. 

 Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Francie is Dying.

Outside, right now in the chicken "hospital coop"

Francie has been sick for a few days and I have been washing her, medicating her and trying my best to take care of her. Yesterday she was walking around and pecking normally. This morning, well, she hasn't really moved at all. She tried, and she fell down and there she stays.

I keep checking on her, certainly, she will be dead very soon.

Its sad.

One interesting thing has been watching the other animals. They have been gathering around her. First the horses came. The big paint gelding came first. The grey mare came and blinked too, but did not come as close. The dun filly came with the donkey and watched her for a long while. The filly left and the donkey stayed even longer.

When they left the dogs came and wandered around the coop for a while.

When the dogs went to the porch the cats came next and laid calmly facing her.

The chickens came after that and the cats followed me inside when I went to get the camera.

The small brown lump on the left is Francie. The black and white pollish chicken in the middle is Sophia and she is still, as I type this, pacing back and forth in front of the hospital coop watching Francie. The other brown chicken is Blanche, Francie's sister. (Unfortunately as I took this photo I saw signs that Blanche too, may also be ill.)

All morning I have considered the idea of wringing Francie's neck...putting her out of her misery. Would that be the kindest thing to do for her? Is she, in fact, miserable? Who knows? I know she is weak. I know she appears peaceful.

What I also know is I got to watch a well ordered, well timed procession of 12 different animals come to Francie and take note of her presence and of her dying. Animals know death. They can smell it coming. Did they come to say good-bye?

I think they did.

I pet Francie's soft feathers and thanked her for all the sage green eggs she gave our family. I said good-bye too.

Life Before Death

In Repose writer Jamie Sue Austin found this link.

Life Before Death.

Beautiful photography and short touching stories. Thanks Jamie Sue

A Gift from the Garden

One of my "never miss" blogs is Life in the Garden, a blog written by my friend Lenette who runs Urn Garden.  Her wit and observations on life keep me coming back to see what she has to say next.

Lenette's February 23rd entry was entitled Sci-Fi CSI LA, where she had done some research on Thomas Noguchi, who was the former LA Chief Coroner, and inspiration for the TV character Quincy. One Noguchi quote she shared resonated personally with me. Sometimes people ask me why I continue to write In Repose Blog, when the business that inspired it, has closed its doors. Noguchi's words here provide a perfect answer to that question:

And the subject of death should be continuously talked about in more honest terms. The American tradition of whitewash eulogies, of letting sleeping dogs lie, of not writing anything about death, is injurious to the living. There are lessons to be learned from death. And because these death events are repeated over and over again, we must strive to understand them.

Dreaming of Death

I had the following dream last night:

I was very tired. I was fighting my body, my health, (something I do in my every day life.)

I decided enough was enough and I was going to do something radical. I felt like I was being pushed into considering desperate measures to save myself, because time was running out.  All conventional roads had been taken, explored, and were failures. There was something I could do to save myself but it was a very ugly last resort.  I knew it was despicable, but I had no choice, unless I was prepared to succumb to death and I was not ready for that at all.

I went to see my identical twin. (Now in real life I have no such thing, I don't even have a sister.) I was envious of her health and vitality. She was always strong and glowing, had never dealt with chronic pain or the myriad of other health complications that I have had to deal with for most of my 46 years. From afar I have been jealous of her almost my whole life. I felt slighted and cheated. Why did she deserve health and I did not?

I decided to trick her. To kidnap her. I was going to take from her the thing I wanted more than anything.

It was twilight and I took her to the ocean. I put her on a small boat and we sailed out until we could see no land. We spoke no words. I was in control. She was wary but unafraid. She did not know my plans. When we were all alone, and had no view of anything save ourselves and the circle of the sea that surrounded us, I made my move.

I took her body by the shoulders. I shook her, and wrestled her surprised soul from her physical self. I set it free to the dark sky above and then leaped quickly into her body while my own crumpled to the floor of the boat. My timing was perfect. I kicked the sick and worn out body that I used to occupy into the water and watched it slowly sink. I stood with the breeze of the ocean blowing through my hair, looking to the moon and clouds and thought to myself that my new life had just begun. I felt strong and healthy and full of energy in a fresh, lean, unbroken body.

Almost Immediately, my elation turned into incredible guilt, and then, paralyzing terror. In my rush to complete the act of stealing my twin's body I forgot the tide and the direction of the sea currents! My old body would surely float to shore. My secret would be discovered. I would be found out. I would be labeled a murderer and have to spend the rest of my long and healthy days in prison. Oh what have I done?

I sailed the boat back to the wooden dock with my stomach in knots, and a shaking with a cold sweat of fear covering my body. The only thing to do now was wait for the inevitable.

This dream has followed me closely today. I am trying to acknowledge the good symbolism in it, a desire to be healthy and leave some old bad habits behind and become healthy. The murdering of my non-existent identical twin is still pretty much creeping me out, though. I don't think I have killed anyone before in my dreams!

Have you?

Lennon died in my arms last night.

Lennon died in my arms last night.

The thing is, he didn't really have to, and if I had somehow realized what was happening just a little bit sooner, or we hadn't done the surgery, he might not have died at all.

But we tried to do the right thing. We really did.

Lennon was one of four in a litter of brothers, and we brought them all home in January 2006. When I say "we" I mean my daughter Lauren and I. The rest of the family like animals well enough, but the "boys" were mine and Lauren's. No question.

We named them on the way home from the rescue shelter. Ciello for the grey clouds of that day and the grey on his fur. Angelo, for the boy who was funny and quick and just a bit nearsighted. Dante' for the handsome studious one with the dashing stripe on his face. And Lennon, for John, of course and because he seemed so wise and he was so beautiful, and his fur was softest of all.

We loved all the boys but Lennon, well, he became our favorite quickly. Some days when I was stressed and wiped out, Lauren would carry him to me and say, "Here mom, you always feel better after holding Lennon." And I would. I would indeed.

Lennon had a tumor before. It started out small but grew quickly. We had it removed earlier this year and it was very traumatic for him and also for me and Lauren. The incision was so big and was hard to keep wrapped. We literally spent nights not sleeping, to make sure he did not bite out his stitches and bleed to death. Those weeks of convalescence only made Lennon more loving and more wise and more dear to our hearts.

He learned new games like hide and seek, and had VERY specific places to stash his special toys we kept nearby to keep him entertained while watching him.

So when we found a new tumor a couple of weeks ago we were very worried and concerned. Last week Lauren had me check, and sure enough, it had doubled or more in size in just a couple of days. We consulted the vet. Together, we all decided to remove the tumor immediately, while it was very small, so that hopefully Lennon could manage the surgery easier.

He was scheduled first thing Friday morning. I picked him up that afternoon. Right away I knew something was wrong, he was acting "different" than he did the first time post op. The staff, and I do not fault them for their thinking, told me his behavior was consistent with the meds and the event of surgery.

I held him in my lap the whole way home.

I never put him down for a second. Not after calling the vet a couple of hours later, and worrying and crying, and having my husband race to the emergency after hours vet clinic. I even tried to breathe for him, when I was sure he had stopped, just two blocks from the ER.

Racing inside the clinic I saw the entire room filled with people, their hands on crates and leashes. I was crying and saying how sorry I was but Lennon was not breathing...and I insisted on rushing to the front of the line. They took his limp little body from mine immediately, but I already knew he was either dead or very close to it. They soon brought me to a room, and then came in and said "We are so sorry."

There really is pain...isn't there? A realy physical agony of sudden grief? We stood in the little room only a minute or two longer, waiting for them to bring Lennon back.

A nice little old lady patted my shoulder while I was slowly walking out the door, quietly crying and carrying my still warm little Lennon. She had tears in her eyes. I don't know if they were there for me, Lennon, or for her and her pet or for all of us. But I am grateful for her words, "I am so sorry."

The worst part of all was driving home, knowing I had to tell Lauren, who was at that moment, playing in a musical competition. Hours passed before I could let her know. She had played well enough to move on to round two in her region. Her joyous announcement would be cut short with this terrible, sad news about her beloved Lennon.

We picked Lauren up from the band hall and I held her in the back seat of the truck while she processed the shock and began to weep. We cried and I stroked her hair and told her everything that happened. I told her I kissed our boy 500 times and 300 times were for her...and when we got home we buried Lennon. We wrapped him in his favorite fleece bed and put in his favorite feather toys and put fresh white lilies into the box next to his little body.

Watching the box go into the ground, and our tears dropping along side of it I could not help but remember when Lauren first asked me, years ago, if she could have a pet rat.

A PET RAT???

I literally almost vomited my lunch.

Everyone knows rats were vermin. Everyone knows they were disgusting creatures that bore disease and were vile things worthy only of extermination. Everyone knows rats were vicious, biting, scary and ugly rodents.

Who knew that in reality, domesticated rats can be wonderful, loyal, loving pets? Who knew that that the actual facts are that they are smart, clean, play games and are litter box trainable? Who knew their fur smells like grape soda, they can learn their names and that scientists have proven they actually giggle when people play with them? Who knew that above all else, domesticated rats want nothing more than the physical loving touch of a human being?

My life, and my daughter's life are richer by far, for having known and loved, our beautiful beautiful boy Lennon. We will miss him terribly. We will miss his little kisses and snuffles in our ears, the way he LOVED the tiny pancakes we cooked for him, the way he kept me company on my shoulder while I folded laundry, the wise little eyes looking softly deeply and quietly into our own.

Lennon 2006-2007

Rest in Peace Lennon. We will remember you always, and we will miss you every single day we have left on this earth.

 

Hell Notes and Flowers: Offerings to the Dead

An article for In Repose, by Jamie Sue Austin

In the United States, like in much of the world, offerings or tributes to the dead are quite common. Wreaths and flowers laid across tombstones during Memorial Day are a form of ancestor worship we are all accustomed to. The term “ancestor worship” tends to dredge up images of primitive pagan cultures worshiping their grandfathers as God, but the practice of showing respect and honor to the dead is alive and well in the 21^st century. From candlelight vigils to roadside shrines, ancestor veneration (a more apt term) is all around us, and an integral part of society and the grieving process.

 

The intensity of belief in the power of ancestors to affect the physical living world varies from culture to culture. Offerings vary as well depending on the region. In the US flowers, wreaths, candles, even small plush animals or toys are common forms of tribute given to the dead. In the southern United States offerings of food, jewelry, and incense can be seen. Statues and monuments to the dead are common as well. In fact, some of our most famous national monuments, such as Mt. Rushmore and the Lincoln Memorial are colossal displays of ancestor veneration. Memorial Day is a nationally recognized holiday for honoring the dead. Easter, All Soul’s Day, and Candelmas are commonly respected days for ancestor veneration in the US as well.

Outside of the US ancestor veneration is just as common. In China, long thought of as a place of strong ancestral and filial ties, tributes to the dead come in a variety of forms. Depending on the belief system, some group offer tributes as a means of caring for their elders in the after life. Paper versions of common everyday objects are often burned as offerings to ancestors who in turn are believed to act as “guardian angels” by preventing serious misfortune. The belief that those who have passed before us are somehow looking over our shoulders and protecting us from harm is common even in the United States. A common Chinese offering is Joss paper, a form of spiritual money, burned to provide wealth for those living in the afterlife. Joss paper is often red or yellow with a foil stamp in the center.  Hell Notes are another form of spiritual money commonly used in China. They are bills, sometimes fashioned after western money, in excessively large denominations.  Aside from paper money, other objects are often offered to the dead such as paper mâché  cards, boats, houses, credit cards, and electronics. Incense, candles, and small food items often accompany these offerings. All through China and Singapore the Hungry Ghost Festival is celebrated, much in the way that Halloween is celebrated in the US, with the addition of offerings to the dead and lots of food. Vietnam has similar customs using incense, candles, and Hell Notes as offering. Often Vietnamese families will prepare large meals for family gatherings and as an offering to the dead.

Traditions of ancestor veneration are not confined to eastern societies. In Egypt the influence of ancestors is very great. Large, expensive tombs were created to protect the remains of the departed. Bodies were ritualistically purified then mummified to preserve them for use in the after life. Food, money, furniture, spices, clothing, and sometimes even pets and servants were buried with the dead to ensure their comfort on the other side. During Samhain, in Ireland, it is believed that the veil between the living and the dead is thin. Food, light, and incense are left for the dead. A place is set at the table for any relatives who have passed within the last year. Samhain is observed by neo-pagans in the United States, Great Britain, Canada, and Australia as well. Modern Halloween customs have their origins in the holiday of Samhain. Other popular holidays celebrating death include All Saints Day, All Souls Day, and Day of the Dead.

In Mexico, Day of the Dead celebrations include decorating gravesites and leaving gifts. Gifts range from flowers and toys to bottles of alcohol and candy. The home is also decorated for the event and offerings of food and drink are left out. Images of skulls are popular Day of the Dead decorations, though most skeletons and skulls look less scary than whimsical.  Skulls made from sugar and decorated with icing are given to both the living and the dead. Images of the Virgin Mary are also very popular. Overall the decorations and mood are much more colorful and bright during Day of the Dead than other during similar holidays.

Regardless of the tradition, almost every individual is accustomed to some form of ancestor veneration. It is hard to imagine a world in which no amount of care or concern was given to the dead. Perhaps it is an important part of the human psyche to believe that a connection with a loved one can remain after death. Or maybe, in honoring others, we ensure that ourselves will not be forgotten.

Many fine articles by Jamie Sue and others can be found at the Resource Forum on In Repose

What Do You Want to Be When You Die?

An Article for In Repose by Jamie Sue Austin

What do you want to be when you die?

When I was little I wanted to grow up to be a butterfly.  Decades later, I have not achieved lepodetra status.   In life, you can't always be what you want to be.   But, death is another story altogether.   Today there are more options for body disposal than ever before.   You can be buried, cremated, turned into a diamond or made into plant food.   The options are endless.  So, what do you want to be when you die?

Better Burial Options

Does the embalming process freak you out? A green or natural burial might be your style.  A green burial will let you get in touch with Mother Nature like never before.   Biodegradable casket, shroud, blanket or burlap sack, no concrete vault, and no embalming fluid make this the perfect eco-friendly option for the man who has recycled everything.  You can choose from a variety of indigenous plant species to mark your final resting place.   The plant will leach nutrients from your remains as it grows, making you a permanent fixture in the landscape.   Who says you can't grow up to be a tree?

Then of course there are those who want a traditional burial, but not a traditional coffin.  If you are looking for a coffin with a little flair there are a host of entertaining options guaranteed to make you the talk of the town.   Perhaps you would like to be buried in a giant guitar?  Not your style?  What about a colossal seed pod, a mammoth egg, or a humongous ballet shoe?   Crazy Coffins is happy to help.   They are one of many companies specializing in custom caskets.  If you can't be it, then get buried in it.

Just because you're dead and buried doesn't mean you can't have fun!  Invite some friends over to watch your gradual decomposition.   SeeMeRot.com allows viewers to watch a live coffin cam from the comfort and privacy of their homes.  But don't expect this show to replace your normal Friday night line up: embalmed bodies can take years to show signs of decomposition.

Fun with Cremation

Ashes to ashes… or so they say.  But what if you wanted your ashes to become a birdbath, a garden stepping stone, a statue, or a bench?   No problem!   Grotto is one of many companies that will combine your ashes with cement to create a lasting memorial to you-from you. 

Spending eternity in the family garden as a planter is one option.  Being part of a living coral reef system is another.   If you ever wanted to live underwater then here's your chance!    Eternal Reefs combine cremains with environmentally safe concrete to create artificial reef formations.   These reef formations provide a home for all sorts of colorful marine life and last around 500 years.

Don't want to stick around that long? Want your ashes scattered?  Do in style.  The Eternal Ascent Society will send your ashes on one last flight in a helium balloon.   The balloon bursts once it reaches high altitudes, scattering your ashes among the clouds.   If you need a scattering with more dramatic flare consider combining your ashes with gun powder to create a beautiful fireworks display.   If you don't think your family would be comfortable handling explosives after your demise, then contact AngelsFlight and they'll do all the work for you.

If you have a specific destination in mind for your dusty debris, then consider enlisting the help of the International Scattering Society.   They will help your family get your ashes to their final destination.   They have a wide selection of beautiful earthly destinations to choose from.   For scattering beyond the stratosphere you need a rocket.  Luckily, Celetis, the company that beamed up Scotty's ashes to the stars, has what you need.   Don't just settle for any post-cremation memorial spaceflight company, choose the best.

There are options for everyone.  If you are an artistic type you might want to consider having your ashes mixed into oil paints and used in a portrait of yourself.   It's a bit Dorian Gray for my taste, but still a fantastic option.  The glamorous can have their ashes heated and compressed into a diamond.   If you are glamorous, and on a budget, your ashes can be turned into a large colored crystal.   If your friends think you are full of "it" then they can have your ashes put to good use as plant fertilizer.   Personally, I'm a stationary fanatic.  I can see no better use for my remains than to be turned into a box of pencils.

Death creeps up on all of us eventually.  It isn't a popular subject, but everyone has to face the same decisions regarding their remains.   Instead of leaving the burden of interpreting your final wishes to family and friends it is best to record your desires now.   Explore all the options that are available to you and choose the one that best expresses you as an individual.   After all, once you're dead, you can be anything you want.

(In Repose has featured articles on several of the companies mentioned in the above article. In the coming weeks we will feature more interviews and articles as well.  Visit our previous articles on Floramorial, The International Scattering Society, and Grotto, and for other useful information, please visit the Resource Forum at the main website, InRepose.com)

"Safety Coffins" Just in Case You are Buried Alive

The abnormal psychopathological fear of being buried alive is called taphophobia, (from the Greek taphos, meaning "grave".) Literally it translates into "fear of graves." Before the era of modern medicine, this fear was not entirely irrational.

During the cholera epidemics of the 18th and 19th centuries worries reached quite a peak, and many inventions were patented at that time, but history has recorded many cases of live burial.

When is a dead person, really, all the way dead? It has not always been so clear. Physicians and undertakers have employed many unusual methods to try to determine if there is any life left in the body laying before them.

From a 2001 Wired News Article:

Administering enemas of tobacco smoke to the suspected dead had a strong following among many members of the medical profession in the 17th and 18th centuries.

Other doctors preferred to insert hot pokers into various orifices, pinch nipples with pliers, and vigorously yank on the tongue of a presumed corpse in order to ascertain that their patients were quite dead.

Tongue-pulling became so popular that a device was created to automate the procedure. The suggested modus operandi was to clamp the maybe-dead person’s tongue to the machine and then turn a crank that rapidly moved the tongue in and out of the patient’s mouth.

This procedure had to be continued for at least three hours, doctors believed, so a village’s most-easily amused person was usually assigned to the task.

Fear of being buried alive was elaborated to the extent that those who could afford it would make all sorts of arrangements for the construction of a "safety coffin" to ensure this would be avoided (e.g. glass lids for observation, ropes to bells for signaling, and breathing pipes for survival until rescued).

In 1995 a modern safety coffin was patented by Fabrizio Caselli. His design included an emergency alarm, intercom, a flashlight, breathing apparatus, and both a heart monitor and stimulator.

Jamie Sue Austin who writes for In Repose, sends us a link to Vermonter.com that has photos of the grave of Timothy Clark Smith, who, presumably, is no longer affected by taphophobia.